Your string of lights is still bright to me
by TheComet63
Summary: Sequel to "You've lost the love I loved the most". It's been a few months after Alicia and Kalinda talked about their feelings and they are missing each other. Will they be able to find a way back to each other?


**AN:** Ok here it is. The sequel to "You lost the love I loved the most". There would probably be a third part someday, depends on how much I can get inspired by rewatching the whole show (something I've been doing for days).

I am aware they are so out of character, especially Kalinda, but I don't seem to get her properly. But I figured this thing with Alicia changed her somehow, so maybe this can work anyway. Some parts of Kalinda's story are totally made up by me, I just thought they might fit in the story.

If you're interested, the first part of this "trilogy" was inspired by "Jar of hearts" by Christina Perri and this one is inspired by Taylor Swift's "Innocent" (check the lyrics…so Kalinda in some points!).

So, that's it, enjoy it and please leave me some reviews, they make me happy and make me write faster.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned The Good Wife I wouldn't be here writing fanfictions.

**Your string of lights is still bright to me**

3 months and 22 days. That's the time that has passed between Alicia and Kalinda's conversation in Alicia's office. The time that has passed between they both declared their feelings for each other. Not that they are counting (except, they are counting). 3 months and 22 days of being polite with each other, of working together when they have to, and nothing more.

Sometimes they caught themselves staring at each other, but in those moment they quickly turn their glances away. 3 months and 22 days without friendly conversations, without drinks after work, without texts and phone calls, if not work related.

It has been hard for both of them. Readjusting the lives without each other. They spent two years being close, being friends, counting on each other. And suddenly, nothing. They are aware of their mutual feelings, but there is nothing they can do about it. "You lost it." - that's what Alicia said that night. And Kalinda knows the way to recover their relationship is long and she doesn't expect anything.

So it's been 3 months and 22 days. Kalinda misses Alicia, but she doesn't dare to approach her, because she knows it's too soon. 3 months and 22 days and Alicia misses Kalinda, but she doesn't trust her. Her heart is still too broken to let Kalinda in again.

-o-

4 months and 8 days. The silence in the car is still awkward. None of them has ever gotten used to it. When they can, they avoid carpooling, but today Alicia has arrived to court with Will and then he sent her and Kalinda out for some interviews so they had no choice. Before the "thing" (that's how they both call it in their mind. The thing. Cause none of them wants to actually remember that Kalinda had betrayed Alicia in the worst possible way), they never used to listen to music while driving somewhere together. They used to talk all the time, about the case or anything else. Now the music fills the silence in the car. Kalinda's driving and her eyes are fixed on the road, Alicia stares out the window, lost in her thoughts.

Sometimes, Kalinda just wants to drag Alicia in the nearest restroom or parking lot or dark corner and kiss her senseless, asking her once again to forgive her, to forget what happened and to start over. But she knows it won't fix anything. Alicia still needs time. It's too soon.

Sometimes, Alicia just wants to drag Kalinda into her office and tell her that everything's ok, that they can go back to how it was before. But inside she knows that it's not possible. It will never be the same. The wound is too deep and it needs time to heal. She knows it will heal eventually, but not now. It's too soon.

-o-

5 months and 11 days. Alicia is first chair on a tough case. Every lead they have turns out to be a dead end, the judge and the other counselor are getting on Alicia's nerves and she can't be anymore tense. She doesn't know what to do to win this case. She has just finished to question the witness and she feels so frustrated.

She's trying to figure out a different strategy when a folded piece of paper arrives in front of her. "Calm down" she reads when she opens it. Her first reaction is to burst in tears, but she's in court and she's working and she can't do this. She turns around and her eyes meet Kalinda's. And she remembers the first case they worked together, when she was nervous and Kalinda wrote her the exact same thing. "What are you doing, Kalinda?" she thinks. She doesn't want to feel something, but she does. So she smiles to the younger woman. She smiles cause she can't cry and she can't stand up and shout something that could either be "What the hell are you doing to me?" or "I love you, dammit!". She smiles because it's the only thing she can do right now, because it's too soon to let her walls fall, but she's starting to get tired of this distance between them.

And Kalinda smiles back, after the first moment of shock. She never expected Alicia to smile. And this is not one of her "You did a nice thing and I'm polite so I thank you with a polite smile". This is a real smile. One of the smiles Alicia used to give her before "the thing". Kalinda can feel her heart jumping a little. Yes, it is just a smile, but it's a start, isn't it?

-o-

5 months and 23 days. Alicia's at home alone, the kids are at Peter's for the weekend and she's having a glass of wine while going through some work files. It's been 6 months since she kicked Peter out and still she isn't used to having the apartment all for herself. "This is how is going to be till the kids move out to go to college" she thinks and she realizes she's now sure she's going to divorce Peter. She can't forgive him. She did it once and he still lied to her about Kalinda, so this time she won't forgive him. Kalinda. That's another reason why she is considering getting the divorce. She is not in love with Peter anymore. She's in love with Kalinda and she can't live a lie. She can't pretend to be in love with Peter, to be the perfect wife anymore. Not when her feelings for Kalinda are so clear to her. Even if they probably will never end up together, she loves Kalinda and she can't be married to someone else while she has strong feelings for her.

She sighs. "Focus on work, Alicia!" she tells herself. She doesn't like to think about Kalinda, even if she does that more often than she should. After Kalinda wrote her that note in court, it has been impossible to stop thinking about her. About all the time they spent together. About that kiss they shared that night almost six months ago.

The buzz of her phone snaps her out of her thoughts. It's a text from Kalinda. Alicia is not sure she wants to read it, but she knows she has to. "It can be work" she thinks.

And work it is. "I have those documents you asked me earlier. I can bring them at your place in about 15 minutes if you need them now."

Alicia doesn't want Kalinda to come over, because it's late and it's her apartment and it feels awkward, but it's Friday night and she can't wait for Monday to have those documents. Besides, there's a part of her that wants to see Kalinda. So she says yes.

She almost kicks herself when she realizes that she's in front of the mirror, fixing her make up, while she's waiting for Kalinda. "What am I doing?" she asks herself. "She's just dropping some documents, work stuff, she will knock the door, hand me the documents and then she will leave. Probably she has plans tonight…maybe she will go fucking some married man…or woman." She feels a grip to her stomach while thinking about Kalinda in bed with someone. Especially a woman. A woman who isn't her. "Alicia, stop!" she says out loud. She can't be jealous. She shouldn't care about Kalinda's sex life, cause she hasn't forgiven her yet and they've never been together and the fact that they might be in love with each other doesn't mean anything. She's sure Kalinda didn't wait around for her. Alicia is not even sure there's something to wait for, anyway. She's not sure she'll ever be able to forgive Kalinda and to open her heart to her again. And even if she'll ever be ready, Kalinda is not the relationship kind of woman, so what's the point?

Alicia shakes her head to clear her mind from her thoughts. After six months (well, 5 months and 23 days cause Alicia is, in fact, counting) she should be better at shielding these thoughts from her head. And she was better before. The first months had been easier, cause she was mad and upset and thinking about Kalinda was only painful. But now…now she's not sure she's mad anymore. She's hurt, she will always be, and probably that wound will never completely heal. But she's starting to understand Kalinda's reasons. The fear of losing her.

The knock on the door snaps Alicia out of her thoughts. "Here she is." she thinks and she's nervous. One thing is seeing Kalinda every day at work. Another one is having her in her apartment at night. Even if it was strictly business related. Even if she would probably just drop off the documents and leave. But still, Alicia is nervous.

She opens the door trying to look as relaxed as possible. And there she is. Kalinda with her "fuck-me" boots, her short skirt and an awkward look on her face. "Here's…" she stutters. So not Kalinda-like. "Here's what you asked."

"Thanks" says Alicia, taking the envelope.

"Well…" the other woman stalls. She doesn't want to say goodbye, but she has too. Cause it's been 5 months and 23 days and Alicia hasn't forgiven her yet. "Goodnight, I guess."

Alicia nods and Kalinda turns to leave. "Kalinda!" Alicia calls her back. She doesn't want to, she knows she shouldn't call her back. But she does. "Would you…" she's stuttering, because it's awkward and wrong but she can't stop herself. "Would you like to have a glass of wine?"

Kalinda looks pretty shocked. She surely wasn't expecting this. But she knows she would never say no. "Sure." she replies and she lets Alicia guide her to the kitchen.

When Alicia hands her a glass of wine, she thanks her and sips in silence. "Are the kids sleeping?" she asks. She doesn't know what Alicia told her kids, she doesn't know if they know the real reason behind the separation, but she can't risk to face them if they know.

Alicia shakes her head. "It's Peter's weekend." And she is surprised cause saying Peter's name in front of Kalinda doesn't feel that painful, not as she expected. It doesn't even feel awkward.

They drink their wine in silence. They don't even know what they're doing. Why they're standing there, in Alicia's kitchen, drinking wine, after 5 months and 23 days of silence.

"I'm sorry." whispers Kalinda out of nowhere. But she doesn't need to explain. Alicia knows what she's talking about. And even if none of them really wants to go there again, Kalinda feels like she needs to apologize once more.

"I know." Alicia simply says.

"I love you." Kalinda whispers again. And again Alicia replies "I know."

And there is silence again. One minute, two minutes, five minutes. Somehow those few minutes of silence seem to be longer than those 5 months.

"That note you passed me in court the other day…" this time is Alicia who breaks the silence. "Thank you."

Kalinda nods. "Just a reminder of the time you liked me. Or started to like me, or whatever you were feeling about me at the time." she laughs.

"I still like you Kalinda." sighs Alicia. "Nothing's changed. I tried so hard not to, but no matter what you did, I still feel the same about you."

Kalinda doesn't really know what to say, so she remains in silence, sipping her wine, trying to avoid the eye contact Alicia seems so determined to make.

"I need honesty this time, Kalinda." Alicia gets a little closer to Kalinda, and the younger woman finally looks her in the eyes. "If we're going to do this…if I forgive you and we try to mend whatever there is between us, I need you to be honest with me."

Honesty. That's something Kalinda is not sure she can deal with. Because if she tells Alicia everything…well, she's pretty sure Alicia would run away from her as fast as she could. But isn't the alternative just as scary? Leaving things the way they are, the way they've been for months? Maybe she should try to be honest with Alicia. "I'm scared" she admits. "I'm scared that if I'm honest with you, you would run away. I did awful things in my life, Alicia. Things I don't speak of, but they haunt me every night. I don't want you to see that part of me, because I don't want you to change your mind about me."

"I think you don't give me enough credit, Kalinda." Alicia laughs softly. "I told you I still like you even if you slept with my husband and didn't tell me about it. Do you really think I could change my mind?"

"You have no idea…what I did…it's terrible…and…"

"I love you, Kalinda." Alicia interrupts her.

"Alicia…" whispers Kalinda.

Alicia doesn't say anything, she just grabs Kalinda's wrist and pulls her closer. And the she kisses her. She kisses her desperately because it's been 5 months and 23 days since their first and last kiss and she needs to kiss her again. She needs to have Kalinda back in her life, she needs to be with her. Because she doesn't care about what Kalinda did, she doesn't care that she slept with Peter…hell, she doesn't even care about Peter anymore. She just wants Kalinda.

And Kalinda kisses her back just as desperately, because Alicia is the only one who can break her walls, because it's been 5 months and 23 days and she needs this. Because she loves Alicia and Alicia loves her and seems willing to forgive her. And because Alicia doesn't know what Kalinda has done yet, so maybe this is her only chance to kiss her again.

But kissing isn't all Alicia has in mind. She pulls Kalinda closer, and pulls her back to the counter. Before Kalinda knows, Alicia's hands are all over her. Not that she's complaining. But she doesn't dare to touch Alicia, not yet. She is afraid she will totally lose control if she lays hands on the woman who's been in her mind and in her heart for so long. And she can't lose control now, it's too soon. So she keeps her hands tangled in Alicia's hair, while the other woman is pulling her hips closer.

Alicia, on the other hand, is more than willing to lose control. She grabs Kalinda's hands and puts them on her breasts.

"Mmm…" moans Kalinda, completely aroused by the feeling of Alicia's breasts in her hands. She's conflicted. She wants this, needs this, but her mind is telling her that it's not the right thing to do…not now anyway. "Alicia…"

But Alicia is not letting her talk. She silences the younger woman with her mouth, her tongue finding once again Kalinda's, making impossible to talk.

"Fuck me, Kalinda!" whispers Alicia when their mouths part. "Fuck me!"

For a few seconds, Kalinda is tempted to do what Alicia's asking her. But then her mind takes control back on her feelings. "No." she says, almost pushing Alicia away. "I'm not gonna do that before you know everything. You said you need honesty and it wouldn't be honest to have sex with you before you know everything. It would be like lying and I don't wanna do this again. So now sit down and pour some other wine cause we're both gonna need it."

Alicia is conflicted. A part of her wants to forget about everything and just feel Kalinda's hands on her, but the other part wants the truth, wants to know everything about that woman she loves so desperately. But again, she doesn't want to force her to talk. She wants honesty, yes, but this isn't about her, so why should she know? "You don't have to if you don't want to." she says. "Everyone has their secrets. I respect that."

Kalinda shakes her head. "I want to. I'm scared of the consequences, but I want you to know."

"Ok then." shrugs Alicia, sitting down by the counter and refilling the two glasses of wine.

Kalinda takes a deep breath. She knows that this could change everything. For better or worse. "My name is…was…Leela and was married once." she starts. "I got married when I was way too young to be married. See, my family…well, things weren't going so great for me at home. And I thought this guy could save me, somehow. How pathetic, thinking that I needed a guy to be saved. So I got married and I left my family, and I thought things were going to get better. And for a while they did. We lived in Toronto, we had a nice house cause he was pretty wealthy. My family wasn't bothering me anymore, and we even talked about kids a couple of times during the first months, deciding we both wanted to wait a few years cause I was too young to be a mother. But then, after a few months he changed. He became an abusive bastard, his job wasn't going well at the time, he came home frustrated and took it off on me, forcing me to have sex even when I didn't want to and beating the hell out of me. And the thing is, I didn't say anything because I was used to it. It was the same with my parents, minus the sex of course."

Kalinda pauses for a second, looking at Alicia. She can't figure out if the older woman is upset, feels sorry or is terrified. Alicia's eyes are wide open and her hand is covering Kalinda's.

They both takes a sip of wine, then Kalinda starts talking again. "It went on for years. Then I started to realize I had to stick up for myself. I started to dig around to find something I could use against my husband, to blackmail him, to make him stop doing that to me. That's how I became so good at this, that's why I'm an investigator now. But what I found wasn't useful, on the contrary…I found out my husband had powerful friends. Too powerful. Blackmailing him wasn't possible. He could have made me killed in a heartbeat if he wanted to. So I needed to find something else. And that's when I met Peter. I was desperate, looking for a way out of that marriage and that life. Peter was in Toronto for a meeting and we met in a bar. We started talking and when he knew I was a sort of investigator, he offered me a job. I wanted to accept, but of course it wasn't possible for me, so I declined. After a few drinks, Peter managed to make me spill the reason why I declined his offer and we came up together with a plan to get me out of that house and that life. I had to pretend to be dead and Peter promised he would have helped me getting another identity. So one day, after my husband left for work, I set our house on fire and I hid somewhere, so I could pretend to be inside during the fire. The plan was perfect, they couldn't find my body in the fire, and Peter had my new identity ready and a job for me in Chicago. But it didn't go as planned. I didn't know that my husband wasn't going to work but he was in the garage working on some illegal stuff for his friends. When the fire reached the gas tank in the garage…well, you can imagine what happened. He died, of course. Everybody thinks we both died that day. I moved to Chicago, I started working for Peter under my new name and…"

"And?" Alicia asks when Kalinda stops talking.

"And I slept with Peter cause I wanted to thank him and that was the only way I knew how. And I'm sorry Alicia, I know I said that before but I need you to know that it's true. I killed a man, but I've never felt this sorry for anything before. For me, hurting you was the worst thing I did in my life. But I realize that probably for the rest of the world, killing my husband was so much worse…so if you don't want to see me again, if you're scared of me…I understand."

After Kalinda's confession, follows a long silence. The younger woman is worried about Alicia's reaction and Alicia is trying to process everything.

"You didn't know your husband was there, right? You thought he was at work…" asks Alicia after a while.

Kalinda nods. "I didn't want to kill him…even if I have to admit he kinda deserved it. I just wanted to disappear so he couldn't hurt me anymore and I could start living the life I wanted, away from my past."

"You didn't want to kill him. That's it. Do you really think I could be scared of you, or disgusted, when it was an accident? When he was 20, my brother killed a woman during a car accident, it wasn't his fault and he felt terrible for years. The fact that he accidentally killed someone didn't change what I thought about him and how I felt about him. And it doesn't change the way I feel about you."

"Are you sure?" asks Kalinda in disbelief.

Alicia smiles. "Kalinda, don't worry, your string of light is still bright to me." And to prove that she was sure, she kisses Kalinda, and this time Kalinda lets go and gives in to what she's feeling.

"I'm still not having sex with you now." says Kalinda in-between the kisses. "Let me at least take you out on a date."

Alicia laughs. "Who knew Kalinda Sharma could be such a gentleman."

"Shut up!" replies Kalinda, kissing Alicia again. For the first time in months, years, she feels like a heavy burden has left her chest and that everything is going to be alright.


End file.
